After my third child was born Robert began talking about leaving again. I really loved my children and desired to give them a safe and protected environment where they could grow up and feel secure. This situation in our family brought a lot of insecurity to our children as well as me.
I hoped that Robert would stop threatening me. Because of all this stress, I fell into a great depression.
He tries to blame my mental problems on how I was brought up but actually I know it was the result of the inner conflict I had in wanting to be a good wife and mother and still be true to my faith. I even had to go to a psychatric hospital for a short time and was for a while on medication.
Our friends tried to help us through this difficult time. As I was getting better and almost off of the medication, Robert decided to take the children and leave the community. I was torn and since my baby was just six months old, I went with him in hopes that we would find a way back together to our faith. As time went on it was clear to me that Robert had no intentions of going back to the community.
I decided in my own heart to go back and asked to take the children with me, at least the baby. But he refused and told me that if I went back, I’d have to go alone. It was out of respect for him that I didn’t just sneak off with the children behind his back. I did not want to do this to him and so I went alone by train. It was a hard decision and I prayed a lot, trusting that God would help me. I could not live a life not true to my faith. I went to the community in France where my parents were living.
After a couple of weeks Robert gave the children back to me and started working with the brothers in Germany on a solar job. My children were so happy to be with me in the community. They were around their friends again and they loved to be involved in our life in every aspect. They were so secure and happy.
After about five months our family was restored and we again lived in Klosterzimmern. During this time I became pregnant and Robert again started trying to convince me to leave or else he would take the children again. It was clear to everyone that Robert’s heart was not to be in the community so it was felt that it would be better for him to leave as we don’t want anyone here who doesn’t want to be here.
I was told that I had the total freedom to leave with him but I decided to stay. He left the children with me for six months.
We were communicating in letters and he sometimes said that he was thinking of getting the children. I was always living under the fear that any time he would appear and take them away again. After Leah was born I again fell into depression. Robert came to see me and the children but he was very critical and finding fault in everything. The baby was just five weeks old and he took all of the children including her. I was left there standing in a puddle of tears not knowing what to do with myself. My friends tried to help me and comfort me but my heart was broken.
I was so sad that he had done the same thing again to our family by ripping us away from a life where we were loved and cared for and where we were secure and had a purpose. I could not understand why he was doing this.